Friday, April 24, 2015

Why I Am Not Your Typical Man.

Why I Am Not Your Typical Man.

Ok, lets get some thing clear first- I am a man, a real manly man. But there are some things in which I am not that typical man women are accustomed to. Here are a few of those which are uppermost in my mind and which I hope the female mind will understand
1.     I Go First – Unlike a typical man who stands on male ego and ceremony I understand that sometimes you have to go first – be brave enough to break the silence first, apologize first, forgive first, yield first, be emotionally vulnerable first and open up first- even at the risk of being hurt. I understand that life is too short for everything to be fair and balanced and things to even out. If I need to- I will step up first and do what’s necessary- regardless of whether I am though of as a wimp or desperate. I see people dying everyday- sudden and unexpected and I really don’t think that any amount of ego is worth letting a relationship decline in silence because no one was willing to step forward first. If I am gonna be still ignored- so be it- I will never have that regret that I didn’t try everything, everything possible  that I could do and despite my  best efforts fate has the final say.
2.     I Hold Myself Accountable –  I mess up – a lot. Of course I do  - I am a human being- someone who has evolved from a monkey and still carries those genes inside. So once I learn that I am in the wrong and I have hurt someone else- even inadvertently – I will accept responsibly for messing up and apologize. I just hope the other person remembers that nobody is perfect and accidents happen and people rarely mess up deliberately.
3.     I Am Over-Expressive Emotionally-  Now this I have been told is not a typical manly attribute. But what the hell- I would rather blurt out whats on my mind and be vulnerable to being hurt rather than carry it to my grave unsaid- just because I want to look like the strong silent manly type. I am emotionally open and I welcome others to look into my heart and understand the real me. With me there is no need to guess for I will tell you all about myself given enough time.
4.     I Am Constantly There –   And if I keep texting or calling all the time even with nothing to say actually, its because I am trying to show that I care a lot and cant imagine a day coming when that special person wont be around anymore in my life. That scares me a lot and hence I want to make the most of the present when you are actually there by reminding you how much I value your presence in my life by calling or texting even in the middle of my hyper busy work life just to say a hello or hi. If that makes me a pest (a persistent caller) just let me know and I will cease and desist forthwith.
5.     I Ignore My Pain To Celebrate Your Smile- most people don’t understand how difficult it is to be there for someone else and to celebrate their happiness when you are not having the best of times yourself. But I can ignore my issues – deal with them in my own time and be a part of all your happiness. I am never one to rain on someone’s parade but will always be supportive when needed –internal bleeding be damned.

So these are a few things in which I am not what you expect or have previously experienced in a man. They say that every individual is different. Well, this is me. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

My Greatest Hits….Disastrous Proposals

My Greatest Hits….Disastrous Proposals.

When I talk about my Greatest Hits, please hold on before you think that I am a kind of star musician or performer talking about the greatest hits from his repertoire. For your information let me clarify that the hits I am talking about here are hits in a literal sense. Yes you got that right- I am talking about the number of times I have been left holding the bulb (an idiom from Tamil courtesy comedian goundamani) and been humiliated in both public and private whoever I proposed to a girl. So just for illustration purposes (I am great believer in show and tell technique) shall we take a close look at what happened the last time I tried to propose to a girl?

After much careful thought and after a deep examination of my heart I finally decided I am in love with this girl and wanted to tell it to her in person after taking her to watch a romantic movie and getting her in that receptive mood to accept my proposal - perfect planning right?.

So this is what happened when I tried to express my love like a Jane Austen character (proud Mr. Darcy) and say to my current crush the following words

But this is how I finally ended up expressing it – as awkwardly as possible.

So there I go, booking a nice romantic movie for my current crush, followed by an intimate romantic dinner where I am looking forward to propose and then what do I do?

I end up concentrating more on the food than on the girl and end up completely forgetting to propose till I say good bye and am on my way home when I suddenly remember “oh shit….damn, damn, damn, I got a brain freeze”

And then when I am with my crush I gaze lovingly at her face- cant tear my eyes off her and she goes and asks this

Seriously can you believe this of me…am I not still a child at heart?

So I finally get home ruing the missed chance and in an effort to make amends and try to do the right thing at least before the day is over and she goes off to sleep- I pick up the phone and try to call her and propose but what happens? My luck holds and she doesn’t pick up the phone at all

After spending the next half hour calling her repeatedly, and wondering where she went off to after she left me and then when the call finally connects and I hurriedly start explaining how much I love her and why I feel I deserve her, she goes like

And I am absolutely fazed like

So after this latest episode of getting my hopes crushed I understand that when it comes to love- love and me- we never mix- I am always getting hit like

And my brain keeps telling me this but does the stupid heart listen?

And so when I finally post this whole story on my blog (on Facebook and on twitter) - I am like

So from henceforth I am going to be like

So till now I have been thinking that I am like Joey Tribiani from Friends saying “how ya doing?” and hitting on women effortlessly

And now realize I am like Ross Geller- the one with ALL failed relationships and multiple divorces and who ends up his life being single despite being a good guy.

 And that is my sorry saga told in a palatable way….now go away and leave me alone

Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Inconvenient Truth

Its Time To Take A Reality Check.

So last Friday my last case for the day was a bit of a challenge for me- not professionally but ethically. The patient was a 17 year old make who was dragged in by his mother- as he said he had been home sleeping on the couch when she had woken him up and brought him straight to the hospital for a consult. The boys sister is a current patient of mine and so is the mother- in fact we had just finished the treatment for the daughter and sent her home that evening when the mother had turned up after an hour with the son and wanted him to get treated too. I examined the boy and found him to be perfectly normal and healthy and I thought they would be happy to hear this. Boy was I wrong.

The patient’s mother argued with me for the next forty minutes or so on all the points she found defective in her son while the kid sat there squirming in embarrassment. But the boy was clear on one thing- he did not want any treatment if I found him healthy- which I did. And I explained firmly to the mother that I don’t treat healthy patients but only sick patients whatever the pressure put on me and that’s that. After they left my cabin my colleague who had been eavesdropping the whole thing, wandered up to me shaking with suppressed laughter and asked wouldn’t it have been easier to make a show of agreeing and doing some minor procedure or other just to get the mother off the back rather than losing such valuable paying customers?

 I shrugged and smiled and walked away- I just couldn’t explain to him in a few minutes how ever since I got into medicine it’s always been more than a way of making money for me. When I was young and in college I had always thought that I would be somewhere running a free clinic treating patients for free- never turning away anyone who came to me for help.  In fact I had often fantasized about heading off to Sierra Leone or the Congo or the deepest darkest parts of the African rain forest where they had never seen a doctor and take to them the benefits of a doctor in the house.  And after so many years when I look back at the path I have traversed and seen where I am now I am ashamed of myself. Where has that idealistic young doctor gone?

 Like everyone else I have compromised for the sake of a good life, for ease of living, for savings for a future family which till now is a non-starter and might never even take place. And this incident reminded me once again of the man I might have been if only I didn’t fall prey to the temptations of leading an everyday  life- of falling in love with a girl, marrying her, starting a family and having kids etc. I have let myself be seduced by the routine family life dream and forgot all the high ideals I once possessed and was so passionate about that I even got my parents reluctant permission to head off to the remote places once I graduated from college. And you know what?  In the end the joke’s been on me- for the girls who I have abandoned the poor and needy for- every single one of them I have proposed to- have turned me down and some have even laughed at my audacity for aspiring so high.

I think in retrospect that I have deserved this- for abandoning my higher purpose for baser emotions.  God intended me for one thing- he made me a damn good surgeon just for one thing- to help those in pain, those who need me and I have completely turned away from that purpose to rush off after my own baser instincts. So maybe its time now for me to re-evaluate where I am and what I intend to do. As I type this I have simultaneously sent off my resume to medicines sans frontiers – that society of doctors who go into war zones to help the wounded – with a caveat that they send me where the fighting’s hardest and the need for doctors most desperate. If they pick me up then I am off to Afghanistan or Iraq or Syria and maybe I will have a purpose in life again and be respected by other people rather than be laughed at by silly girls for setting my sights so high.

P.S For those who think this is a knee jerk reaction to my latest rejection – it is not.  I have thought it through all evening and come to this decision. Leaving aside my heartbreak, one thing it has brought to my notice is that I am not really fit for a normal marital life if so many diverse girls keep finding something wrong with me and keep rejecting me. Can they all be wrong? Heck No, they can’t be. So, its not them- its me and it definitely does mean its time I went off into the jungle of equatorial Africa where I can be a giant among pygmies rather than be a guy who gets laughed at when proposing.